Goddammit: The Corner Store!

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What the fuck already with everyone I ever give a ride to needing to stop at the motherfucking CORNER STORE?

What the fuck already with everyone I ever give a ride to needing to stop at the motherfucking CORNER STORE? Apparently I need to go into this business so I too can charge $5.00 for a tiny bottle of baby oil and sell SHOES. They have SHOES at the CORNER STORE! How fucked up does your life have to be for you to go shopping for shoes at the gas station?

Everyone has to always stop at the corner store. We’re going to a wrestling show, we’re going to a club, we’re going to your job, we’re going to a movie, we’re going to the apartment of the person that you’ve led on to think they’re your girlfriend so you can use their shower, whatever it is…and you need to stop at the goddamn store. For why? I’ll tell you for why. To buy some energy drink/liquor combo, purple Doritos, something to roll your criminal drug with, cigarettes and other miscellaneous abominations.

So let’s be clear: you were already smelling like the day before yesterday because you REFUSE TO SHOWER EVERY DAY because you’re like 8 years old or something…I KNOW you couldn’t have brushed your teeth because you’re still trying to find your toothbrush. Now, after the corner store, you smell like sweat, funk, bad breath, weed, nicotine, cheesy Doritos and liquor. You literally smell like an L. You are an L. Your life is an L. You don’t need to take an L, YOU ARE ONE. I mean you’ve literally accomplished the odor of life’s off ramp. You are the smell of surrender. If anyone could smell like they were on #thecouch, you’ve achieved it.

And by the way, BY THE WAY, can I point out that half the time YOU’RE ON YOUR WAY TO WORK? What in god’s fuck man? You wonder why you can’t keep a job when you come to work smelling like a carnival of crap? Do your coworkers smell you coming before they see you? Why is this happening?

If life is SO HARD that you need to be fucked up with a combination of sugary cheese or cheesy sugar, alcohol, nicotine, AND weed to get through Thursday, maybe you should consider other options.

How fucked up do people need to be to get through the fucking goddamn day?

It’s just a sunrise to sunset gimmick (or vice versa) with shitting, eating and fucking/masturbating in between. What’s the angst about? Are you trying to resolve string theory? Are you on the verge of a break in quantum mechanics? That brain surgery you’ve got tomorrow got you down because you can’t figure out how to separate the conjoined twins? For Christ’s sake you’re a young, healthy man with no real bills and a dick that some girls apparently allow you to park in their fat pussies. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM?

Holy mother of god man, next time you need to stop by the corner store DO IT BEFORE I PICK YOU UP! Preferably, hours before so that the SMELL OF YOUR LIFE will have somewhat subsided. Please and thank you. GODDAMIT!